Resident Evil Talent Show-Why it must NOT be done
by Boring-Seminars
Summary: What will happen when the characters of Resident Evil decide to try their hand at a talent show? Absolutely and completely terrible randomness! Characters are from Resident Evil series, rated T for language and violence.
1. The Opening- Nicholai's Entrance

**I do not own Resident Evil, nor its plot or characters. I own only this abomination of a talent show :3**

**Also this is my first fanfic of Resident Evil… so… hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Opening**

"Hello, audience, I am your absolutely gorgeous host Leon!" says the man on stage.

"Not to mention conceited!" says Albert Wesker, emerging from behind the stage curtains.

"Look who's talking!" shouts Chris Redfield, and the two begin a duel until Wesker shoves Chris through a wall.

"Uhh… well, the show must go on! Regrettably… "Says a tired Leon… before Wesker shoves him through a wall also.

**Scene 1 Act 1**

Music sets the scene, and a beautiful Alice in a red dress dances on stage with Luther West. The audience stares with boredom… until Jill Valentine jumps on stage.

"You are not even on the movie, Bitch!" she yells as she drags Alice off the stage, leaving a baffled Luther to chase after them… to which he then gets his ass kicked out of the theatre by Jill.

**Scene 1 Act 2**

"All the feelings that I get" sings a blonde Alfred Ashford in a voice so high pitched peoples ears bleed, "but I still don't miss you yet."

"Only When I stop to think about it" sings back Alexia Ashford in an equally annoying voice, "I hate everything about you"

Together they sing "Why do I Loooove you? IIII-"

**BAM**! Nicholai Ginovaef runs them over with a 60- foot semi-truck.

"I HATE YOU!" he yells, and the audience gives him a standing ovation.

**Scene 1 Act 3**

Carlos Oliveira stands in front of a window balcony holding Claire Redfield.

"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

Is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief-"

"Shut up, you creep! I don't like you!" Claire yells a she runs away, and Carlos falls to the ground crying like a baby.

"You ass, trying to hit on my sister!" yells Chris as he beats up Carlos.

To which Carlos replies, "Get off me, you jacked-up man-ape! Lay off the steroids!"

**Scene 1 Act 4**

"I will show my talent of how awesome I can fight!" yells Krauser on stage… and he flees like a little girl when El Gigante pops up.

Sadler then jumps on stage, yelling "I can take you on!"

They fight, quickly moving there large brawl towards the audience.

As Sadler mutates and beats up El Gigante, an audience member yells;

"AAHHHHHHHHHH! IT GODZILLAAAAAA!"

**Scene 1 Act 5**

"Sorry, but we must close the show early due to some bowl movement difficulties!" says an agitated Leon on stage. "Sorry that the other acts are not as cool as me-"

**BAM!** Leon falls to the floor, a bullet in his head.

"I hate you" mutters Nicholai from where he sits on the audience's second balcony, a sniper in his hand.

The audience gives him a standing ovation.

* * *

**The lines done by Carlos are from Romeo and Juliet; the song by Alexia and Alfred is "I hate everything about you", by Three Days Grace. Seriously though, the actual song is way better ^_^**

**Comment please, and suggestions would be welcomed! I need more ideas for the next one, if you want more! XD**


	2. Alfred is a dancer?

**I do not own Resident Evil, nor its plot or characters. I own only this abomination of a talent show :3**

**ACHAN: Well, my fun with you guys is coming rather well!**

**Wesker: How come I'm not in here a lot**

**ACHAN: Oh believe me, We'll get to you!**

**Luther: Honestly why must I be kicked out?**

**Ashley: I want Leooon...**

**ACHAN: Ahhhh! cover your ears! Who invited her here?**

***chases her with pet licker***

**ACHAN: Now, the show must go on...**

* * *

**Scene 2- Opening**

"Err… umm… due to some... private matters that have yet to be resolved, Leon will not be hosting this evening. Tonight, it will be I , Sherry Birkin, as your host-"

Sherry is then thrown aside by Jake Muler.

"Hey, I wanna be the host! You always have to take the spotlight…"

**Scene 2 Act 1**

"Alright, we are gonna hold a contest to see who can drink more!" Exclaims Barry Burton, setting down shot glasses and vodka down on the table.

"Consider it done!" Wesker says back, and they both take the first shot of vodka.

**27 shots later…**

"You're my friend, ya know that, berry?" Slurs Wesker.

"Awwww, shad up, you're the smart one… I've always like y-you for your hair…"

"Aww, come here, man…" Wesker stands to hug Barry, and falls.

"Haha soj jfdo doofu guubpeia nosfeeraatio…" Barry falls over in his chair.

**Scene 2 Act 2**

Alfred jumps on stage, twerking in a pink ballet costume, yelling "does this make my ass look big?"

"Damn right!" yells Alexia.

"Make it rain, brother, twerk it!" calls Luther West, having snuck in with a disguise, throwing out roses and 50 dollar bills to Alfred. Alfred reply's with a questionable lap dance…

**Scene 2 Act 3**

"Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention! I am Louis Sera, the amazing lion tamer!" The man brings out a "lion" from backstage.

"Uhh, Louis, that's not-"starts Carlos, but Louis interrupts him.

"Now for my first trick, I will feed the lion a snack!" he holds out a piece of meat.

"Uhh… Louis, I don't think you realize what kind of danger you're in. That's an Uber Licker…"

"Wait, what? The thing we talked about the other day in the meeting?"

Carlos nods, and Louis screams as he tries to pull his hand away… but the Uber Licker has already eaten it.

"Get off the ground and stop crying like a pussy!" shouts Luther as Louis clutches his stumpy arm.

**Scene 2 Act 4**

"Now , our next show, we give you Ashley Graham fighting Albert Wesker!" announces Jake, as Ashley is pushed onto the stage.

"W-w-wait, I didn't sign up for this! LEOONNN!" screams Ashley, causing Weskers ears to bleed.

"Ahhh! The horror!" Still completely hammered, Wesker punches the air randomly… and hits William Birkin

"Get off of me, you drunk!" yells William.

"H-h-he's ma friend" slurs Wesker, hugging William, and Ashley manages to run away… until the Uber Licker gets her.

**Scene 2 Act 5**

"Uhhh.. yeah well thanks for watching!" says Jake… and then Wesker runs up to him.

"Ma sooonnn.. ma bro! I looveee you sooo.." Wesker vomits onto the floor, and Barry stumbles over to them.

"What dicha do to ma frend?" Says Barry to a baffled Jake, and then he gives him a right hook.

Stammering, Sherry says "w-well.. that's the end of our show! Hope you enjoy-"

**Bam**! A car runs through the side wall.

"Hey biiitches! Just practicing my GTA skills!" Calls a drunk L.J. "Now who wants to pararartayy!"

Taking out of their seats as fast as they can, everyone in the audience yells "MEEE!".

No one knew what happened to the Uber licker that night…

* * *

**So if anyone has any comments on what our.. lovely... special... characters should do next, just comment! :3 I'll be sure to make my pals do strange things... -ACHAN**


	3. Hank is not a comedian

**You know the Drill: I do not own Resident Evil, its characters, blah blah blah… so yeah :3**

**ACHAN: So, my dolls, what shall the puppeteer have you do next?**

**Leon: I want to be in this one!**

**ACHAN: Alright, but you asked for it…**

**Wesker: My stomach…**

**ACHAN: *Slaps him* Then don't drink so much! Wait, everyone, hush! I hear Ashley!**

***Silence***

**ACHAN: Anyways, on with the show!**

* * *

**Scene 3 Opening**

"Hello, I'm your host Ada, and I'll be the new host-"Ada is interrupted by Leon.

"Ada! You are so beautiful, with your sexist body and man-handling fighting skills…"

"Uhhh" stutters Ada, "So, what we have next is-"

"Please, Ada Wong, marry me!" Leon yells from the audience.

Derek Simmons rushes over to him. "No, Ada is MINE! MINE MINE MINE!" He hits Leon with a turkey leg.

**Scene 3 Act 1**

Jake sings as song to Sherry; "Conjuring up her deepest fearssss!"

"Get away from me!" yells a screaming Sherry.

"Must have stabbed her fifty fucking timesssss! Ican't believe it! Ripped her heart out right before her eyeess…" Jake yells/ screams as he chases Sherry off stage and-

***DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE THE REST CANNOT BE PUBLISHED.***

**Scene 3 Act 2**

"Hey I'm L.J, and I'm gonna show you how to pick up zombie girls!" he walks up to a zombie/ ex-pornstar.

"So, yah gotta get really close in, like freakishly close, hold them close to you, and- AHHHHH"

His head is bitten off.

**Scene 3 Act 3**

The Red and White queen have a singing/ dancing contest.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard-"starts off the red queen.

"And their like, it's better than yours!" says the white queen.

"Damn right, it's better that yours!"

"I can teach you, but I'll have to charge!"

The audience throws money as the "grinding" starts.

**Scene 3 Act 4**

Hunk walks up onto the stage. "Alright, who's ready for the jokes?!"

Silence.

"Well then, I'll start! Why did the chicken cross the road?!"

More silence.

"To get to other side! How about a German saying? 'Everything has an end; except for a sausage, it has two!'"

Sadler stands up, "Release the Ashley on this abomination!"

Ashely runs on stage, "LEEEOOOOONN!", and Hunk falls to the ground, holding bleeding ears.

**Scene 3 Act 5**

"Weell, that's our sow for tonight!.._" says Ada, "please leave reviews…" She is interrupted by a fight that moves onstage.

"I have you now Chris!" shouts Sheva, lunging at him with a knife.

"I think I have you!" Yells, Chris, hitting her with a turkey leg.

"Oh yeah? I'll-"Sheva is cut off by a thunderous noise.

BAM! A rocket launcher has been shot.

"I hate you "mutters Nicholai from his balcony. The last audience member that had sadly chosen to remain gives him a standing ovation…- and then dies in the fiery flames of another rocket.

* * *

**So that went rather… well? Okay? Just leave comments about this… whatever it was…- and ideas would be most appreciated! **

** -Zeee Amazing Puppeteer, ACHAN!**


	4. No more for Wesker

**ACHAN: Huh, my puppets, what shall your master do next..?**

**Wesker: You are not my master.**

**ACHAN: Keep telling yourself that.**

**Alfred: All these shows and people are too impure for Alexia…**

**ACHAN: *giggles* you'll regret saying that! **

***Pets his pet licker* Now, let's get on with it…**

* * *

**Opening**

"Hello, ladies and gentleman, I'm back!" Calls Leon, jumping out onto the stage.

Wesker throws him through another wall.

"No you're not" he says.

**Scene 4 Act 1**

"Alright, for the next act, we have-" Alfred, the new host, is interrupted by Barry

"We are gonna have another drinking contest!" yells Barry.

"Uhh, no, we-"

"Yes!"

"No, Barry, we said at the AA meeting Wesker can't have any more alcohol…"

Wesker stumbles onto the stage. "Give me MOOOOREE!" He stumbles more and falls onto a scared audience member.

**Scene 4 Act 2**

"Alright, people, we have a new demonstration!" calls Alfred. "For the next act, Louis will… uhhh… what are you doing?"

Louis stands on top of a diving board. "I will attempt to land in that pool!" says Louis, pointing to the stage 60-feet below, "and I will survive.

"Louis, you moron, get down here! The pool isn't even three feet deep!" calls Carlos.

"Here I go…" Louis is about to jump, when Jill stops him.

"Louis, you moron" she says to him.

"Oh, Jill, you wanna jump with me now? Well, then.." Louis grabs onto Jill.

"Wait, Louis, no, no, no.."

"Here We goooooo…..!"

**Scene 4 Act 3**

"For our talent, we shall re-enact Godzilla!" shouts Carlos as he jumps out onto stage, holding a camera. "I'll be the stupid reporter who, in every movie, meets their demise because they care more about their job than their life!"

Nemesis walks onto stage.

"Oh, great costume, Leon!" says Carlos. Leon appears from behind stage.

"Uhhh Carlos I'm over here" says Leon, wearing a purple Barney outfit.

"W-what? AHHHHHHH!" Carlos runs away from Nemesis. Or at least tries too…

**Scene 4 Act 4**

Alfred puts on a unicorn mask. "For my talent, I shall scare Wesker!" He hides behind some stage curtains, and calls around the corner "Heeey CAPTAIN WHISKERS!"

Wesker comes stumbling around the corner "Who the f* # called ma WHISKERS?" He stumbles around the stage, and Alfred pops out "AHH BOOGIDY BOOGIDY BOO!"

BAM! Wesker punches Alfred, sending him through a wall.

**Scene 4 Act 5**

Jake comes out on stage. "Uhh hey! Seeing as our other two hosts are currently stuck in walls, I'll FINALLY close up scene 4!"

Wesker runs out onto stage looking crazed. "I NEED COKE!"

Jake groans. "Aww LJ! I told you not to give him anymore!

Alfred and Leon come out onto stage

"Hey I'm the host!" yells Alfred.

"No I am!" yells Leon. They then attempt to fight… but they are wearing full body casts and sitting in medical beds.

"Wesker, push me towards Leon!" yells Alfred, and Leon tells William "push me towards him!"

William replies" I don't think this is safe…" and Wesker says "DAMN RIGHT!" and drunkenly pushes Alfred at top inhuman speed (probably about 400mph) towards Leon and William. Leon and William were crushed, as was Jake who was in the way… and Wesker kept on going, straight through the wall.

"Some people can't handle their SHIIIT!" yells LJ, and the disappointed audience leaves.

* * *

**Haha… yeah I know terrible right? Oh well… I'm hoping the next will be better! Pleeease comment on more ideas… I'm running out here! The stress of being crazy and writing crazy stories is getting to me…. **

** -Yours truly, ACHAN**


	5. SCENE FIVE (SPECIAL?)

**ACHAN: This is it! The Finale! The ending! The craziness of that which is Resident Evil!**

**Wesker: *groans* finally!**

**Jill: But we were just getting started!**

**ACHAN: Yeah… well then, I guess we'll have to continue after this Scene 5 special anyways! Don't wanna fail the fans….**

**Sadler: Why are we having a special? It's only scene five…**

**ACHAN: Because I am amazed my small brain can take this much craziness, not to mention think it up! Besides, as far as I am concerned, this won't be over until the psychopaths sing!**

**Alfred: *stands up* if that is what it takes…**

* * *

**Scene 5 Opening**

"I am the new host!" yells Alfred happily onstage, just recently out of the body cast. "And now, for the show…"

"Hah! You're like a noodle!" says Leon gleefully to the now weakened Ashford (he has been in a cast).

"So are you!" protests Alfred, meanwhile Nemesis comes up behinds him and suddenly picks up Alfred and spins him around in the air.

"Hah! You are!" says Nemesis, and he lets go, sending him flying into the audience.

**Scene 5 Act 1**

Wesker, William, Krauser, and Alfred all jump onstage… and begin dancing to Beyoncé's Single Ladies.

Krauser and William stand on the sides, twerking towards the audience, Wesker is dancing/ humping (?) Alfred, who appears to be… grinding against Wesker like he is a pole dancer.

"Yess! This is what we want!" Yells audience member Luther West as he throws roses and 100 dollar bills to the guys.

**Scene 5 Act 2**

An audience member is randomly chewing popcorn loudly, and Sadler looks annoyed.

"Hey, sir, if you could just-" starts Sadler, but he is interrupted by the guy's cellphone ringing.

The guy answer's his cell. "Oh no, I'm not busy! No I'm seeing anything remotely interesting… how are you?" says the guy.

"Uhh, sir, honestly, this is quite rude-" Sadler is trying to contain his anger, just as the guy's cellphone dies.

"Aww damn, it dies. Hey, why isnt' anything interesting happening? I mean really what kind of show… oh hold on I got a message" They annoying guy pulls out a laptop and begins to go on Facebook.

Sadler yells, "THAT'S IT! RELEASE THE ASHLEY'S!" He presses a big red button, and a whole bunch of Ashley clones come running into the audience, yelling "LEOOOON!" Most audience members die of bleeding ears, and the annoying guy… disappears.

**Scene 5 Act 3**

Piers Nivans walks out on stage. "Hello everyone! For my next act, I will be inviting Chris Redfield up to help me!" He brings with him a can of gasoline and matches up on stage.

Chris comes out. "Alright, what do I do?"

"Just stay there" says Piers, turning away from him… then he turns back to him, pouring the gasoline all over Chris.

"Damn, it Nivans, what the hell?" says Chris as Piers suddenly lights a match and throws it at Chris.

"That's for not trying hard enough to save me you prick!" shouts Piers, and Chris lunges at him.

"Hey, if I am going down, you're coming with me!" says Chris as he jumps on Piers, setting them both aflame. Sadler had to put out the flames out by stomping on them.

**Scene 5 Act 4**

Wesker and Alexia are on stage doing an AWFUL performance of Moulin Rouge, wearing matching orange leotards, when LJ pops up.

"Hey, you know what would liven up the performance? THIS!" He throws bags of coke on them, squishing them to death. "Coke! COKE FOR EVERYONE!" yells LJ as he pulls massive bags from his coat and throws it out.

The audience goes crazy.

**Scene 5 Act 5**

Sheva dances out onto stage, wearing a corset and tights, her hair laid (sexily?) down. She begins dancing to a song;

I wanna take you home, yeah

I won't do you no harm

You've got to be all mine, all mine

ooh Foxy Lady

Foxy, Foxy

Steve Burnside yells "lap dance for the millionaire!" and Ingrid grinds against him, giving him a lap dance.

**Scene 5 Act 6**

Ingrid Hunnigan and Derek Simmons, who managed to get into LJ's drug stash, prance out onto the stage.

"WE'RE BUUUTTERFLYYY'S!" they yell, moving their wings crazily along their sides, and running in circles. Ingrid jumps off the stage.

"I CAN FLY!" she hollers, and the audience members jump out of the way, and she lands awkwardly onto the seats.

"I SHALL FOLLOW YOU!" yells Derek… and he did just that.

**Scene 5 Act 7**

"Hello, I am Barry, and this my associate Jill! We are going to show you our mad cooking skills!"

Barry sets a big pot onto a table, and Jill comes out holding bottles and begins mixing them into the pot.

"So first" starts off Jill, "We have a soufflé-"

"AHHHHH!" Tyrant pops out of the pot, smashes them into the walls, and runs away into the stands… where Sadler already has a group of Ashley's awaiting it.

**Scene 5 Act 8**

Hank walks up onstage, holding a dummy.

"For my next act, I will show off my amazing ventriloquist dolls!" says Hank. He begins talking. "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm fine, you?" he makes the dummy say.

"Hey, I can see your mouth moving" says annoying guy, crossing his arms.

"I have no idea what you are talking about" says Hank.

"Hey, we all saw it. I mean come on, you call that an act?"

Hank sighs. "Sadler…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Says Sadler, walking out onto stage with an Ashley on a leash.

**Scene 5 Act 9**

"Well, after all those Ashley's, that is the end folks…" says Ada, and she is interrupted by Jake being chased on stage by Wesker.

"GET BACK HERE! I MUST LOOOVE YOUUU!" yells Wesker, super high, and he hugs Jake. "YOU FEEL LIKE A KITTY!"

"Get off him!" yells Alexia, and she pulls Wesker away from Jake, and she holds Jake. She looks at him and says "Oh, wait, You're not Alfred!" she punches him, promoting William and Sherry to come out onstage and fight Alexia. Annette suddenly comes onstage.

"Don't you hurt my willy-kins!" screams Annette, and Wesker picks her up.

"MARRY ME MY KITTY!" says Wesker, and suddenly a much burned Chris runs out to fight him, and Piers follows. Chris soon gets his ass kicked by both Wesker and Piers.

"You still thinking about us?" says Leon suddenly to a shocked Ada, and Jill runs our yelling "You will not touch her!"

Sadler then yells "RELEASE MORE ASHLEY'S!" and more of them come out screaming "LEEEOOOONN!"

"Aww, god damn it, can no one handle their drugs and alcohol?" says LJ, and suddenly everyone onstage is shot at by a machine gun.

"**I… HATE YOU! **I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" yells Nicholai, and he picks up what is left of the coke and runs away.

* * *

**Alright…. So that was it(so much grinding!)! Now that was kinda long, seeing as it was a "5****th**** Scene Special", whatever the hell that means… not to mention if you have noticed I haven't uploaded much lately... so this is making up for it(hopefully), and you know the drill! "Rate, Comment, and Review!**

**-ACHAN… and his pet Licker**


	6. Luis Can't Defuse Bombs

** . . .THAT IS ALL.**

**ACHAN: Ahh! I'm running out of ideas, yet, I'm getting too many! The horror…**

**Jill:*sighs* Alright! Who gave ACHAN more chocolate!**

**Sadler: I just wanted to see how he would react…**

**Carlos: Terrific! Now we're all in for it..**

**ACHAN: *types at computer* The unquestionable horror! Now… REALEASE THE ASHLEY'S!**

* * *

**Scene 6 Opening**

Leon hops out onto stage wearing ear plugs. "AUDIENCE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Sadler punches out Leon. "No Audience! Stay! We have a special show tonight…" He giggles like a crazy person. "Now… I shall push the button!" He pushes the big red button… and nothing happens.

Sadler looks angry. "Where the Fuck are the Ashley clones?"

Nemesis runs out onto the stage. "I AATTTE THEEEMM!" Leon face-palms.

**Scene 6 Act 1**

"For the first one, we shall have an eating contest!" says Claire to the audience. "Whoever can eat the most Cheetos in a minute wins!"

"Aww, why do I have a feeling I am going to regret this?" says Ada.

"You're going down biiitches!" Yells LJ. Right then, the timer goes off, and they begin stuffing their faces with Cheetos.

Ada begins choking. "I-I *cough* Ca-can't brea-*gasp*-the!" She falls on the floor gagging. Claire jumps up.

"I win!"

"Uhh, Claire, the timer hasn't gone off-" the timer goes off.

"No I win!" Yells LJ.

"No, you didn't!"

LJ pulls out a gun. "Ya wanna mess with me Bitch? 'cause I'll go all Grand Theft Auto on your ass!"

Everyone forgot about Ada.

**Scene 6 Act 2**

William comes out onstage. "For my talent, I shall show you all my great shooting skills!" He begins to shoot at Wesker.

"Ah… HEY! William, what are you doing? STOP!" Wesker dodges the bullets.

"DIE DIE DIE!" yells William, and he switches his pistol for a machine gun.

"AHHHHH!" Wesker is… shot? Well, massacred is more like it, and William losses control and… shoots up most of the audience.

**Scene 6 Act 3**

"Now, I shall show you all how to dissect a human!" Yells James Marcus as he leans over Leon's body.

"Aww hell, why does this always happen to me?" says Leon as Marcus lowers an electric chainsaw.

"First, we cut through…-"

"AHHHH!"

"Then… we remove thy heart!" Marcus grabs what he presumes to be the heart (but is really a kidney) and displays it to the audience, and Leon falls into a dead faint.

**Scene 6 Act 4**

"Everyone, enjoy my amazing pogo stick skills!" Yells Jake Muller as he bounds out onto stage on a pogo stick. "Aren't I amazing?"

"Make it rain, make it rain!" yells Luther, throwing money.

"That isn't even in any way provocative." Says Jill.

"I'm sorry?" Luther hits her with a fire hydrant.

**Scene 6 Act 5**

"Ladies and gentlemen, we must now close the show!" says Alfred, and then suddenly Luis Sera runs out.

"Wait Wait! I must show everyone how to de-fuse a bomb!"

"Uhh, Luis, that really isn't the best idea…"

"We now cut the purple wire, then the yellow and green wire..."

"Seriously Luis, just stop…" Alfred looks for help. "Where's Nicholai when you need him?"

"And then the red wire…"

"NO, NOT THE RED-" BAAM! Silence.

The annoying guy stares for a couple of moments. "Well, that was awful." He leaves.

* * *

**Sorry for the crappy chapter, and not updating… my master has been busy! Oh well, I hope you enjoyed that! Also, I have no idea what a fire hydrant was doing there…**

**-Your one and only, ACHAN**


End file.
